What are three things you know to be true?

There are Three things that I know to be true.

Number one:
I’m scared
I’m scared of a lot of things,
But today, I’m scared of being trapped,
of being trapped in the dark,
where trying to claw out only pours down more dirt into my eyes.
I’m scared of going down a path I can’t jump off of
because my feet are glued to the ground,
with walls closing in on all sides and all the doors locked.
It is entrapment and claustrophobia.
No. You see, the problem is,
I like choices
I like choices way too much
I like the choice to explore perpetually.
I like choices so I can keep dreaming my dreams of a future,
Parallel futures in parallel verses and parallel universes.
In one, I can be that researcher in hip waders with a teeming net of organisms to keep me curious for years.
In another, I can be that photographer hunting human faces, their smiles and tears, to remind the world of life.
In another, I can be that writer with heart torn out and life blood dripping on the pages to be read by strangers.
But as I slide from course to course,
I’m finding that I’m missing prereqs,
that doors have closed around me,
slamming without me knowing
until I’m looking back
and wishing
that I had kept that one door open, and that one too...
What is left is this hallway I’ve been molded into,
shoulder shoved through the crowd
until I’m the last standing and not knowing where I am.
And I’m scared that this path is trapping me.
I’m scared.

But I know this too, my number two.
The second truth:
I don’t know where I will end up.
Two years from now:
Will I be in grad school working on a thesis?
Or in Africa playing soccer with the local kids?
Two minutes from now:
Will I be enjoying the warmth of applause?
Or sneaking off stage to the sound of crickets?
I don’t know where I will end up.
And that the path in front of me, it’s taking me somewhere
but I can’t see into that darkness
so maybe it will trap me for a while,
but then it will open up
because paths always open up
They fork and branch and even at a dead end, I can always go back
So I will be ready.
I will carry all of those dreams I’ve been dreaming,
of kayaking around the world and watching a sunset for a continuous 24 hours,
down every single dark path I tread I will carry these dreams
because who said I can’t go back and follow a frayed dream thread
and make it shine again?
And who said I can’t braid all those dreams together
and find a way to do everything, anything, I want to do?
Because I don't know where I will end up.
And that’s ok.

Cause you know what? It doesn’t even matter
My third truth:
It doesn’t matter where that place is that I will end up.
I mean, it does matter, a bit.
Because it is that goal I’m trying to reach
and it is important to have goals to strive for
and to reach – to reach out and touch the stars or at least feel the sun on your face.
But everything changes,
that winding path
that goal, that place.
Even me. I change.
And that place I’m trying to get to, it won’t be there when I get there
at least not the place that right now I’m thinking that I’m trying to get to
Because, you know, I think that I think too much about the future
and worse, I think that I worry too much too:
that I won’t study enough for my final,
that I won’t enjoy the party because I don’t know anyone there,
that I won’t be ready to be thrown out of the safety of undergrad into that big, scary world.
And all this worrying makes me focus on a goal, that endpoint.
And I forget
that I’m not really at point A trying to get to point B
that I’m somewhere in between.
Point A is long gone, my journey began before I could breath!
Maybe even before my parents could breath or maybe even before that!
So I’m not at point A anymore.
And point B is somewhere out there
in the fuzzy, murky future
So it shouldn’t matter where point B is anyway!
So refocus, rethink, reimagine.
I’m here, right? I’m here, right now, somewhere between where I started and where I’m going to end up
And right now, where I am right now,
It is only going to happen once.
And where I am now is where I can enjoy being
because I’m not lost when I’m here
I’ll never be lost if I live from moment to moment, now, now, now.
And where I am now is surrounded by friends.
And where I am now is happy.
I’m happy.

So the three things I know?
I’m scared
I’m scared I don’t know anything
But it doesn’t matter, because I’m here, I’m happy.


http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_if_i_should_have_a_daughter.html?awesm=on.ted.com_sarahkay

Quiescent

"Why was the secretary general quiescent in 2008? Because some UN member states – notably the United States – had openly supported Kosovo’s independence as the only practical solution after years of fruitless negotiations with Serbia. Since reconciliation within the Serbian state was impossible, recognizing secession appeared to be the lesser evil." -What does Kosovo mean for Quebec?

Quiescent:
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin quiescent-, quiescens, present participle of quiescere to become quiet, rest, from quies
Date: 1605

1. : marked by inactivity or repose : tranquilly at rest
2. : causing no trouble or symptoms 

Quiescent Reflection
Willis Gray Gallery, Decatur Alabama
24"H x 36"W

— qui·es·cent·ly adverb


Within surrounding horror,
there is solitary tranquility
when the quiescent tears freeze hell
acknowledgement in grief, 
peace-less, in pieces, and spent,
we shelter in restless repose
any instant, silence shatters, life initiates
horror indefinite, or annihilated,
endure, deny, or rise
to live

Anomalous

"The climate of Hudson Bay is anomalously cold in comparison with other regions at similar latitudes because of the presence of seasonally varying ice cover (Rouse, 1991)." Gagnon and Gough, 2005a

http://antisocialrap.com/blog/?p=16

Anomalous
Function: adjective
Entomology: Late Latin anomalus, from Greek anōmalos, literally, uneven, from a- + homalos even, from homos same

1. : inconsistent with or deviating from what is usual, normal, or expected : irregular, unusual
2. a : of uncertain nature or classification
   • b : marked by incongruity or contradiction : paradoxical

— anom·a·lous·ly adverb
— anom·a·lous·ness noun



            Of my anomalous nature, there is a contradiction because it is expected that I deviate from the expected. Therefore, if I deviate from the norm, which I believe is beneficial for my character, and if I, as I do, enjoy both of the dichotomous pairs that have been penned against each other in society, such as art and science, sensing and intuition, thinking and feeling, judgement and perception, then I am free to accept the label of anomalous. But if you expect me to be anomalous, as KI perceptions intend, thus classifying me and creating a norm for that classification, then am I no longer anomalous?

Reflections

You began when you told me that you had to leave. We were too much of a twisted tree, sprung from two grasses and twined at the neck. We choked each other till our chlorophyll leaves fell from our arms.

So you began.

You’ve been transplanted and you re-sprouted your lovely roots exploring your new dark, rich soil. You’ve been trellised and been shot up on phosphorous, and now you’re strong with thick bark. I guess

I’m glad for you. 

Glad that you have birds flitting through your branches, that you are able to smile and flirt. I should be glad.

Should. But my heartwood aches, with cracks to the pith. 

It’s not so much you, you is an abstraction now, you can be the sense of love itself, it doesn’t have to be you, though it is you who I am addressing. And to the one I’m addressing, I don’t miss you. I miss the other you, the sense of belonging and joy, passion and growth towards the ideal light. While your leaves grew back with the spring, mine shriveled, my branches remain black etches on a grey sky. I want to find a passion again, a chance to leave the earth and fly or float down a river and 

scream with life.

I lie: a short story

I lie

     Maybe its because I’m a writer. Maybe I just want the story to sound a little better. Maybe not. My life becomes sparkly when I add a word, one word for you, one for me. Sparkly like the reflection off the face of a watch when the sun shines off of it and I redirect it to form a circle just below your eye, just enough to get your attention, maybe scare you a bit, but in the end, not harmful at all. And certainly not the sparkle of a drop of shiny red, defined by the stark, swinging, overhead bulb, on the tip of a sharp and pointed knife. Such a high lying life would surely make my testimony untrustworthy. If you think I am lying, I will never discover your truths, and if I never discover your truths, I will never be able to tell your story. I have great, the greatest, respect for the truth, holding it at arms length lets me admire its beauty from afar and then examine it like a seasoned coroner examining a victim.
     Now you expect me to tell a story, and invite you to determine the truth and the lies within. Maybe you need me to tell you the true story of that little part of town where you grew up, but can no longer remember because the details have drifted away from your memory, hiding behind your present, chaotic life. Maybe you need me to lie to you about that time when you were 8 or 9, playing in that abandoned house with the neighborhood kids and how you left Milly, three whole grades below you, in the basement, all alone.
     Maybe you don’t need my stories. You wouldn’t be able to determine truth from fiction, not like this, not merely through the untrustworthy black pixels dancing on your screen, capable of changing with a simple click of your mouse and a tap of a key. And to you, the skeptical one who wouldn’t believe the truth if I etched it into the monolith of granite standing three stories high in Earth Sciences, and yet wouldn’t believe the lies either, to you, I will only lean forward and whisper in your ear the words you have been waiting your whole life to hear. And as I take a step back, you will look at me first with confusion, then anger when you will banish me from your life.
     Maybe days, maybe years later, you will be reading the news online, smiling smugly to yourself, and then you will remember my words. That is the moment you have a choice to earn redemption or forever be dammed. And in that moment, you won’t think about whether I had lied to you, shining light in your eye, or whether I had discovered the truth and shared the sparkle with you, because it doesn’t matter, my lying or not. It matters only that you believe me, and at that moment, you will believe me, and you will tell me your truths and I will tell your story and we shall see how many people believe you.

     Now come close because I will only whisper it once.

First draft: March 20, 2010
Inspiration: INTEG 221: Social Epistemology and Testimony and maybe some other ideas floating in the air

Ice

And now, and now you go

into the snow, into the storm of snow.

And now, and now you say

we end today, we end our love today.

But I won’t let you leave me

out here, in the cold, winter night

where tears, running down, turn to ice.

Hiding, me away, from your sight,

you say, we’re to high, of a price

And the best for us depends on you

taking the warmth away,

And leaving only cold behind

to remind me of your stay

And now, and now I cry.

Please tell me why, you never told me why.

And now, and now I know.

Died long ago, our love died long ago.

But I won’t let you hurt me.

I must, must have known, all along.

Its time, I move on, make a vow,

And learn, learn to heal, to be strong.

No one, will I let, hurt me now.

And the best for my life depends on

thawing the pain away,

and letting Flowers grow from Ice,

making the most of the day.

(Flickr CMM Photostream)

Scientific Thought

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Things are only impossible until they're not.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein

Cole's Axiom: The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing

Black holes are where God divided by zero

In theory, there is no difference
between theory and practice.
In practice, however, there is

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division

The atom of modern physics can be symbolized only through a partial differential equation in an abstract space of many dimensions. All its properties are inferential; no material properties can be directly attributed to it. That is to say, any picture of the atom that our imagination is able to invent is for that very reason defective. An understanding of the atomic world in that primary sensuous fashion...is impossible
- Heisenberg

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." ~Isaac Asimov

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. ~Wernher Von Braun

The capacity to blunder slightly is the real marvel of DNA. Without this special attribute, we would still be anaerobic bacteria and there would be no music. ~Lewis Thomas

Most institutions demand unqualified faith; but the institution of science makes skepticism a virtue. ~Robert K. Merton, Social Theory, 1957

The whole history of physics proves that a new discovery is quite likely lurking at the next decimal place. ~F.K. Richtmeyer

Science, in the very act of solving problems, creates more of them. ~Abraham Flexner, Universities, 1930

Science is always wrong. It never solves a problem without creating ten more. ~George Bernard Shaw

The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. ~Eden Phillpotts, A Shadow Passes

L'Chaim

What more is there to be thankful for?

This week Features:

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog
Thoughts of bread
Memories of claymation
A few words on altruism
Questioning protists, poriferans, cnidarians, and platyhelmenthes
Late nights
Audio portal
The world is just amazing
Being revealed
Being alone
Missing friends
Self pity and hope
Future?