There are Three things that I know to be true.
Number one:
I’m scared
I’m scared of a lot of things,
But today, I’m scared of being trapped,
of being trapped in the dark,
where trying to claw out only pours down more dirt into my eyes.
I’m scared of going down a path I can’t jump off of
because my feet are glued to the ground,
with walls closing in on all sides and all the doors locked.
It is entrapment and claustrophobia.
No. You see, the problem is,
I like choices
I like choices way too much
I like the choice to explore perpetually.
I like choices so I can keep dreaming my dreams of a future,
Parallel futures in parallel verses and parallel universes.
In one, I can be that researcher in hip waders with a teeming net of organisms to keep me curious for years.
In another, I can be that photographer hunting human faces, their smiles and tears, to remind the world of life.
In another, I can be that writer with heart torn out and life blood dripping on the pages to be read by strangers.
But as I slide from course to course,
I’m finding that I’m missing prereqs,
that doors have closed around me,
slamming without me knowing
until I’m looking back
and wishing
that I had kept that one door open, and that one too...
What is left is this hallway I’ve been molded into,
shoulder shoved through the crowd
until I’m the last standing and not knowing where I am.
And I’m scared that this path is trapping me.
I’m scared.
But I know this too, my number two.
The second truth:
I don’t know where I will end up.
Two years from now:
Will I be in grad school working on a thesis?
Or in Africa playing soccer with the local kids?
Two minutes from now:
Will I be enjoying the warmth of applause?
Or sneaking off stage to the sound of crickets?
I don’t know where I will end up.
And that the path in front of me, it’s taking me somewhere
but I can’t see into that darkness
so maybe it will trap me for a while,
but then it will open up
because paths always open up
They fork and branch and even at a dead end, I can always go back
So I will be ready.
I will carry all of those dreams I’ve been dreaming,
of kayaking around the world and watching a sunset for a continuous 24 hours,
down every single dark path I tread I will carry these dreams
because who said I can’t go back and follow a frayed dream thread
and make it shine again?
And who said I can’t braid all those dreams together
and find a way to do everything, anything, I want to do?
Because I don't know where I will end up.
And that’s ok.
Cause you know what? It doesn’t even matter
My third truth:
It doesn’t matter where that place is that I will end up.
I mean, it does matter, a bit.
Because it is that goal I’m trying to reach
and it is important to have goals to strive for
and to reach – to reach out and touch the stars or at least feel the sun on your face.
But everything changes,
that winding path
that goal, that place.
Even me. I change.
And that place I’m trying to get to, it won’t be there when I get there
at least not the place that right now I’m thinking that I’m trying to get to
Because, you know, I think that I think too much about the future
and worse, I think that I worry too much too:
that I won’t study enough for my final,
that I won’t enjoy the party because I don’t know anyone there,
that I won’t be ready to be thrown out of the safety of undergrad into that big, scary world.
And all this worrying makes me focus on a goal, that endpoint.
And I forget
that I’m not really at point A trying to get to point B
that I’m somewhere in between.
Point A is long gone, my journey began before I could breath!
Maybe even before my parents could breath or maybe even before that!
So I’m not at point A anymore.
And point B is somewhere out there
in the fuzzy, murky future
So it shouldn’t matter where point B is anyway!
So refocus, rethink, reimagine.
I’m here, right? I’m here, right now, somewhere between where I started and where I’m going to end up
And right now, where I am right now,
It is only going to happen once.
And where I am now is where I can enjoy being
because I’m not lost when I’m here
I’ll never be lost if I live from moment to moment, now, now, now.
And where I am now is surrounded by friends.
And where I am now is happy.
I’m happy.
So the three things I know?
I’m scared
I’m scared I don’t know anything
But it doesn’t matter, because I’m here, I’m happy.
http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_if_i_should_have_a_daughter.html?awesm=on.ted.com_sarahkay
